Here's Episode 2 of "Adventures in Un-stored phone numbers". You can read the first episode here, although the only connection is my phone number. In this episode you get a bit more internal monologue and a glimpse at how neurotic I can be. Especially on the subject of mothers.
All sentences in italics represent internal monologue and should be read as such. Even this one.
Episode 2, "Are you my mother?"
INT. ANGELA'S DOORWAY - EVENING. I am unlocking my front door having returned from a day spent at a nearby cafe/coffee shop. I wrote a very short promo blog, submitted my resume to a few places and spent some time editing old pieces and mapping their future, so in other words I had taken it pretty easy on myself. I answer my phone as I enter my apartment.
ME:
Hello?
HISPANIC WOMAN:
Elizabeth?
ME:
Um...yes?
HW:
All sentences in italics represent internal monologue and should be read as such. Even this one.
Episode 2, "Are you my mother?"
INT. ANGELA'S DOORWAY - EVENING. I am unlocking my front door having returned from a day spent at a nearby cafe/coffee shop. I wrote a very short promo blog, submitted my resume to a few places and spent some time editing old pieces and mapping their future, so in other words I had taken it pretty easy on myself. I answer my phone as I enter my apartment.
ME:
Hello?
HISPANIC WOMAN:
Elizabeth?
ME:
Um...yes?
Shit, no one calls me that. Is this a bill collector? Do I have a bill that needs collecting? No, I don't. This had better not be a telemarketer, or a politician. Or that Los Angeles area cleaning service that seems to find each new cell phone number I've had ever since I left LA. Six years ago.
HW:
This is your mother.
I was not expecting that.
ME:
HW:
This is your mother.
I was not expecting that.
ME:
What? No it's not.
HW:
Elizabeth? Is that you?
ME:
ME:
I'm AN Elizabeth, but not YOUR Elizabeth.
HW:
HW:
What is your last name?
Oh give me a fucking break! How does someone NOT know their child's last name? This has got to be some kind of scam. She's trying to get information out of me. Confirm nothing Johnson, nothing.
ME:
You don't know your daughter's last name? Don't you think that's odd? What's YOUR name?
HW:
Anita.
Wait, this isn't my mom is it? There's like no possible way that the mom I know kidnapped me from a hispanic family as an infant and that this lady is my real mom? Those jokes Andy made about my being adopted WERE jokes weren't they? WHOA, calm down. While interesting and dramatic as hell, that's not very likely. This is not your mother. You're stuck with Laurie.
ME:
Yeah... you're not my mom. I mean already knew that, but her name is not Anita...so you are definitely NOT my mother.
HW:
Why are you being this way?
Whoa, she sounds desperate to talk to her daughter. I bet she's like estranged or whatever and it's taken her decades of searching and pride swallowing to even make this phone call. I bet she's just like, one digit off or something, a misdial. Or she's nuts. Either way I don't want to deal with this shit.
ME:
I'm going to shut this down. You must have the wrong number which was coupled with the highly unlikely coincidence that I have the same name as your daughter. I promise I am not your daughter. Try another number please.
HW:
Elizabeth, please don't hang up on me! I'm sorry!
ME:
Yeah Anita, I already have one hot-mess of a mother, I'm not signing up for a second one. Thanks. I'm hanging up now. Don't call again.
Oh give me a fucking break! How does someone NOT know their child's last name? This has got to be some kind of scam. She's trying to get information out of me. Confirm nothing Johnson, nothing.
ME:
You don't know your daughter's last name? Don't you think that's odd? What's YOUR name?
HW:
Anita.
Wait, this isn't my mom is it? There's like no possible way that the mom I know kidnapped me from a hispanic family as an infant and that this lady is my real mom? Those jokes Andy made about my being adopted WERE jokes weren't they? WHOA, calm down. While interesting and dramatic as hell, that's not very likely. This is not your mother. You're stuck with Laurie.
ME:
Yeah... you're not my mom. I mean already knew that, but her name is not Anita...so you are definitely NOT my mother.
HW:
Why are you being this way?
Whoa, she sounds desperate to talk to her daughter. I bet she's like estranged or whatever and it's taken her decades of searching and pride swallowing to even make this phone call. I bet she's just like, one digit off or something, a misdial. Or she's nuts. Either way I don't want to deal with this shit.
ME:
I'm going to shut this down. You must have the wrong number which was coupled with the highly unlikely coincidence that I have the same name as your daughter. I promise I am not your daughter. Try another number please.
HW:
Elizabeth, please don't hang up on me! I'm sorry!
ME:
Yeah Anita, I already have one hot-mess of a mother, I'm not signing up for a second one. Thanks. I'm hanging up now. Don't call again.
Shit, I better call my mom.
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