Adventures in Un-stored Phone Numbers, Episode 1

I have mentioned before that I have a really hard time taking care of small, delicate things. I have a propensity to drop them, and in my younger, more alcohol-infused days I had a propensity to throw them at anyone who irritated the hell out of me. Or anyone that was sitting where I wanted to sit. Or wearing a similar outfit to mine. But mostly, I just tend to epically drop things (epically = at least two stories of free fall, preferably onto hardwood or concrete)

Because I annihilate cell phones so often I have become accustomed to answering un-stored numbers, because *most* of the time it's a friend. Every now and then I get a gorgeous gem of dysfunctional dialogue that is worth sharing. I present to you Episode 1 of "Adventures in Un-stored Phone Numbers"

All sentences in italics represent my internal monologue and should be read as such. Even this one.

Episode 1, "Lisa unintentionally oversteps her bounds"

INT. ANGELA'S APT - EARLY AFTERNOON. I am sitting at my writing desk. I have been working on a piece about the passing of my dog and have not spoken to another human being in at least 12 hours. I am desperate for a break from my self-imposed isolation and just as I decide to pack up my computer and head to a bar to write, my cell phone rings.

Thank you, Universe! I see the unfamiliar number and click "answer" but do not have a chance to say hello before a woman with a very thick southern drawl says...

WOMAN:
You didn't do nothin' wrong.

ME:
Excuse me?

WOMAN:
I'd just rather you not get into the middle of this.

ME:
I'm sorry, who is this?

WOMAN:
Lisa, really, it's just gonna be best for all of us if you just stay out of it. (BEAT) Wait, did I dial the wrong number?

ME: I'm betting so, but please, go on. I wanna know what Lisa did.

WOMAN:
Well Hell's Belle's! *click*

ME:
Hello?

Who the fuck says "Hell's Belle's"? I thought that was only in terrible movies about the South. Oh, and probably Gone with the Wind. I should really watch that. I wonder if she'd answer if I called back...

Comments

Anonymous said…

Hells Bells is also a kick-ass AC/DC song. Perhaps that's redundant.

May 16, 2012 at 11:41 PM

Angela J said…

Interesting! I assumed it was Belle's as in women, from hell. Not actual bells. I think that says more about me than anything else.

May 17, 2012 at 4:54 AM

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