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Things to know before becoming friends with me in real life: A cursory user's guide.

I have wished for a very long time that people came with model-specific user guides. A helpful "Best Practices in maintaining friendship" if you will, and more importantly a cautionary list of "Best-not-to's".

In an effort to encourage the documentation of these things by the people I love, I have endeavored to compile a warning label user guide to being friends with me. 

I'll start with the basic warnings
1. Never give me a key to your house. Sure I'll walk your dog/feed your cat/probably water your plants. But is it really worth it if you have me show up occasionally at 7:30am on Saturday morning because no one else is awake and I know I can literally shake you out of bed to have breakfast with me? Sure it is! 3 out of 397 facebook friends agree/can't get their key back from me. Side note: should you actually give me a copy of your house key it is best to make it an obnoxious color or print that I can easily associate with you. I've got 4 sets of keys including my own! Express yourself!

2. Do not give me your cell phone number. Or at least enter it in my phone under a nickname that I can probably figure out if I'm very sober and really working at it. Otherwise I will drunk mass text you. And occasionally call you to take me to the hospital for stitches. There is a very high correlation of number of drunk texts sent to number of calls for hospital rides made. 

3. Keep your wifi password to yourself. Otherwise I will stop by your house if I need to blog/get directions/check facebook if I am remotely closer to your house than a Starbucks. Side note: I am currently blogging from outside of my friend's house. Seriously. 

4. Do not give me unlimited access to your well-stocked liquor cabinet/cheap drink specials. I will get you drunk. And since we're good friends it should go without saying that I'll be drunk with you. This will lead to probably the most interesting day of your fiscal quarter and I will demand that you follow my whims. The payoff is pretty good though. I'm gathering testimonials now. 

5. No fried jalepenos. Friendship is about being honest with each other, holding each other accountable, and shaming each other to be healthy. If you want me to live for many, many years do not let me eat fried foods. And you probably shouldn't either. It's super bad for you.

Well, that's a start. More instructions to come!

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Comments

Alicia C said…
I'm disappointed you've never drunk mass texted me! Haha.
June 2, 2011 at 12:51 PM
Angela J said…
just remember that with that drunk text comes the sobering phone call and the immortal words of Tobias Funke, "Who wants to go to the hospital?" haha.
June 2, 2011 at 1:46 PM
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