Skip to main content

Valet-ho!

Throughout our lives we artists will have many jobs. Most of these jobs will not be as an artist, either. We will peddle coffee, children's clothes, and even deliver rubber stamps as Michael Musto did. David Sedaris made a name for himself with the "Santa land Diaries" after working as Crumpet the Elf at Macy's. And Charles Bukowski is probably the most famous employee of the Post Office. Not to be confused with most INfamous postal employee Patrick Sherill from Edmond, Oklahoma. 

We writers and "artistes" will do almost anything to pay the rent and keep our internet connected. In step with this not particularly unique plight, I too, have had my fair share of bizzarre and annoying jobs. I've worked as an assistant to a mind-numbingly irritating inventor, booked hair appointments at a salon (kill me), and most recently, I have joined the ranks of the many, the humble, the valets. As a driver who has totalled two vehicles, has night blindness, and has almost zero experience driving anything bigger than a Ford Focus it was only a natural that I would accept a job parking very large, very expensive vehicles. At night. 

I've been on the job just two days so far and I'm proud to say I have not effed up one single vehicle. I have been eye balled by very protective men while I try to figure out how to put their Mercedes into drive. (This is seriously not as obvious as one might think.) I have listened to a gaggle of Ed Hardy wearing d-bags dissect my appearance to figure out whether or not I was "gay". (Apparently, being a female valet makes you gay, pig tails make you straight, and wearing a sports bra makes you gay. Here's a clue creep-o's who are looking way too closely at my chest- I RUN and get your car. These D-cups need to be restrained during this process!)

I'm looking forward to gathering material next weekend when I park cars for the celebrities that are flying in to Dallas for the Super Bowl. I wonder what kind of car Usher's people drive. Also, if you are a hip-hop musician- I will put your demo in his car for 100 bucks. Let's go ahead and add music promoter/hustler to my list of odd jobs while we're at it. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

How to avoid hand cramps when you're in the 3rd grade

A t the beginning of the third grade my mother moved my brother and I to a new school. She did this often. With each move I attempted to blend in and fade away with the other children; but with a younger brother whose rebellious reputation was known in the tri-county area and a mentally ill mother this never seemed to happen. Each time I would gradually become known as the good student with the crazy mother and hellion brother. This meant I was never invited to sit with people at lunch, or play at recess. At our young stage of development we didn’t understand that mental illness was not something you caught; that my raving mother’s appearance outside of homeroom would not infect our teacher, or my classmates. I was blacklisted. Determined for this move to be different I decided to reinvent myself, to remove as much of my family as I possibly could. When I walked into my first class at this new elementary school and the teacher called out my name, “Elizabeth Johnson” I replied, “Act...

Up in arms about 'Smoke'

I've been meaning to blog about my dining experience at Smoke for weeks now. I've been busying myself with things like Glee, V, and Fingerless Ghost . (more on those kids later) The old Cliff Cafe' next to Bar Belmont took a bit of a vacay and in step with Dallas tradition got a face lift, a chic monosyllabic name- Smoke , and a new man(ager). I first visited Smoke, located at 901 Fort Worth Ave., during its evening bar hours; I always say meeting new people is best done with a little social lubricant. I got a text from a friend saying it was "bumping" so my gf and I decided to kick off our chucks and put on some pumps for the occasion. By the time we arrived, all of 11:30 p.m., there were only a few recently cut bar staff from Bar Belmont, and one or two pasty black-clad hipsters smoking languidly on the patio. This was their first official night open, other than their buzz-making grand opening VIP party. I will give super kudos to our awesome bartender for the k...

Adventures in Un-Stored Numbers, Episode 3, "Text Message Rates Apply"

You can read the second episode here . And the first one here . All sentences in italics represent my internal monologue and should be read as such. Even this one. Also, if you see a word that appears in lime green  that means it's hyperlinked. 'Cause I'm fancy. Episode 3, "Text Message Rates Apply" EXT. JOGGING TRAIL - AFTERNOON. I am walking a slow cool down lap around the park at the end of my street. I have just finished a pretty miserable jog and am limping towards home to quickly shower and head in to work. My text message notification sounds. I read a text from an un-stored number. *some of these messages have been removed for privacy, editing, and laziness* TEXTER:  Hey are you going to the This American Life live event tomorrow? ME:  didn't know about it. sounds wonderful! Also, lost my phone so I don't have this number saved...can you tell me who you are? :) TEXTER: We can play 20 questions to see if you can figure it out :) That w...